


How Can We Make Love If We Can't Make Amends?

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, Episode Tag, Episode: s05e05 Constituency of One, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-23
Updated: 2007-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:37:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: If this was a dream, he was grateful for it even more than the much-needed sleep that produced it.





	How Can We Make Love If We Can't Make Amends?

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

CJ lie in bed and stared at the ceiling above her. It was definitely not a good day; too many of her days were ending this way. Less than a year into the second Administration and CJ felt like throwing in the towel. She had a fight with Leo today. It was about work…that damn EPA report. Why did he feel the need to make changes on something done by an independent group? Why did he think no one would get their hands on the original? The reporters were all smarter than they were. They wanted the truth and sought it at all costs. The Bartlet Administration was already proven it kept things from the press and public; they would be scrutinized harder than ever.

She could not go into the pressroom and spout that bullshit line. No one was going to fall for it and catching her in a web of deceit would make this a story. So she said what she felt; it happened often in the heat of the battle. This time it pissed off the White House Chief of Staff. Leo was livid, and made her issue a statement to say that her views were not a reflection of the entire Administration. The whole incident made CJ feel small. He refused to apologize for how he treated her. He was the boss and he did not have time for employees who could not follow the rules and do what he said.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? When had the West Wing become a dictatorship run by Napoleon McGarry? When had everyone started to walk around with their heads down and their mouths shut? When had the door to the Oval Office become harder to open than a bottle of painkillers? Will Bailey was going to work for Bingo Bob and Toby had not even been consulted. Both she and the Communications Director walked around today as if they had been punched in the face.

After the confrontation with Leo, CJ went back to her office. She took a few deep breaths and willed the tears of anger not to fall. She told Bill that she needed some air…he got Lewis to pull the car around. He did not like the idea of Mrs. McGarry going out alone, though she assured him that she was not getting out of the car. At this point she did not care if he liked it or not. In the car, she had Lewis just drive her first to Chic Filet. After getting a grilled chicken sandwich and waffle fries, she had him drive out to Arlington, just for the distance. CJ called Kate Ritter on her cell phone and got the voicemail.

‘You’ve reached Dr. Katherine Ritter. If this is an emergency please call (937) 555-3496. Otherwise, leave a message at the tone. Thank you.’ BEEP!

“Hello Dr. Katherine, this is Claudia. I'm driving around having a really bad day. I know I'm the world’s worst friend, calling only when things are rough. I do miss you though. Call me when you get a chance, (202) 555-1471. Bye kiddo.”

She ate her late lunch, or early dinner, before going back to the White House. The lid was closed so CJ avoided the press. She knew Josh’s surprise party was tonight so she had to put on a happy face. A few beers helped her do that. She chatted amiably with Nora, Donna, and everyone else in the Mural Room. They could all sense that something was off but no one called her on it. 

When CJ McGarry was on stage, her performance was worth a standing ovation. As the party raged on, the Press Secretary noticed that Josh looked a lot like she felt. She approached him as he drank a beer alone in the corner. No one seemed to notice that the Deputy had disappeared from the thick of his own party. It was a stressful time and the staffers appreciated the distraction of cake, ice cream, and liquor.

“What's happening mi amour?” she handed him another cold beer.

“Do you remember all those years ago when I told you I had something to tell you but you weren’t to freak out? I told you and you completely freaked out.”

“Josh, if you want to talk to me I will listen to you. But I will be damned if I stand here and have you dredge up all of my past letdowns.”

She went to walk away but he took gentle hold of her wrist.

“Carrick switched parties.” He whispered.

“What? Is that a riddle?”

“He will join the GOP and he will vote against us at every turn. He is doing it just to spite me and Leo is going to fucking kill me.”

“Get in line.” She replied.

“Hey, at least when he paddles you, you can have a good time.”

“To hell with you Joshua.”

She went to walk away and did not stop when he tried to call her back. After one more beer and two cigarettes with Nora on the portico, CJ went home. She spent some quality time with her babies, sixteen month old Timothy and three month old Charlotte. She chatted with her nanny Mitch over a much needed bottle of water. Then she went to her bedroom.

Smokey Robinson went into the CD player before CJ took a long shower. She dressed in her favorite nightgown afterward, and managed to come down enough to read three chapters of a Spenser novel. Then she turned off the lights and lay in bed. She didn’t think it was possible to be as tired as she was and not sleep. Her mind raced; no matter how hard she tried she could not get it to stop. The hour was turning late and she wondered when her husband was coming home. No doubt Leo was kicking Josh’s ass right now.

All of that could wait…he needed to come home. He needed to cradle his children and fall asleep with his wife. CJ turned on her side and closed her eyes. She heard Leo come into the bedroom though she did not know what time it was. Pretending to be asleep, CJ watched him undress in the dark. He looked weary and his shoulders were slumped. 

He was aging rapidly, experiencing headaches and fatigue. It worried his wife but he did not want to talk about how he was feeling physically. He did not want to talk about anything…the McGarrys marriage was strained. A year ago CJ walked out on him. The Abdul Shareef assassination blew up in their face. She came home pregnant with their second child and things settled for a while.

It didn’t stay that way and they struggled to hold their marriage together as their jobs brought constant battles. What happened today was becoming all too typical; she was not sure how much more of it they could take. Leo looked at her before he climbed into bed and rested on his back. He had actually been home for almost two hours but chose to hide out in his study. Going 12 rounds with his wife definitely was not on his list of things to do today.

To be sure, Leo was angry at CJ. He was the White House Chief of Staff, when he told his staff to do something, it needed to be done. Now was definitely not time for dissention in the ranks? How bad would it look if CJ seemed to be taking a view different from that of the Administration? The statement he demanded of her was necessary and Leo did not feel bad for making her do it.

He knew though, from the rest of the evening, that approaching CJ with anything rational was a bad idea. He would back off…give her time to breathe. The last thing he wanted was another barnburner. He really wasn’t sure if he could take it. The headaches had been worse lately. Leo found himself so tired and sometimes short of breath. He did not tell anyone how he was feeling but Margaret was hovering as if she knew something was wrong.

CJ was concerned too but could not get him to talk with her. He had other things to focus on; he would get to the doctor when he had some free time. Wait, free time…what was that? He hardly had time to shower and kiss his children goodbye in the morning. Leo took a couple of deep breaths, though it did not help him relax. 

He ran his hand over his face knowing that he would get very little sleep tonight. Tomorrow he would have to face the big problem of Toby and the bigger problem of Josh. The ideas he had in mind were going to shake up the West Wing and feathers would certainly be ruffled. His biggest problem was trying to make sure that his wife did not pack up his children and walk out of his life forever.

“Hey honey.”

Leo was surprised when his wife cuddled close and curled her body around his. He held her close, inhaling the scent of her skin. If this was a dream, he was grateful for it even more than the much-needed sleep that produced it.

“Hi there Mrs. McGarry.”

“Why were you so late coming home?” she asked, running her hand down his chest. “I hope you did not rip Josh a new one about Carrick on his birthday.”

“Can we not talk about that? My head is going to explode.”

“Where were you Leo?”

“I got home maybe two hours ago. I was working in the study; making some phone calls.”

“Avoiding me?”

He took another deep breath and held her tighter to him. There was always a rush of warmth running through him when she was this close. Her leg across his, skin touching skin, the feel of her satin nightgown…pure heaven.

“I thought you'd be pissed at me. It was not a very pleasant day.”

“I concur. The Press Secretary is so pissed at the Chief of Staff she can't see straight. She is considering pushing him into traffic or killing him with her bare hands.”

“Um…”

“CJ McGarry however, she loves her husband and wants to be in his arms.”

“I cannot argue with that. God, it feels so good to hold you. Sometimes…”

“Shh. Sometimes you talk too much.”

Leo could not deny that. Silence scared him; it always occurred before everything went to hell.

“I love you.” Leo whispered against her hair.

“I love you too Leo McGarry.”

“How?”

“How what?”

“How can you love me?”

“Why do you keep asking me that? Am I going to have to explain that to you for the rest of my life?”

“Forgive me baby. You explain it quite well but I still don’t understand.”

“I'm too tired to reiterate.”

“Its OK baby.” He stroked her back. “Sufficed to say that I am the luckiest man in the whole damn world.”

“You really are.”

He kissed her softly, CJ tilting her chin to meet his lips. She held his face before running her fingers through his hair. As CJ moved onto her back, Leo lay on his side. He deepened the kisses, the way she moaned in his mouth turned him on. He slid the straps of her nightgown down and kissed her shoulders.

“May I take your nightgown off?”

“You never asked before.” It was not quite the truth but she said it anyway.

“I'm asking now Claudia Jean.”

“Yes.”

He took the nightgown down instead of up, his lips following it. Leo trailed sweet kisses down her whole body while CJ sighed. He was attentive as his hands followed his lips on a proper exploration of her now naked body. Her neck was explored, her shoulders, her arms, even the crooks of her elbows. Her breasts, stomach, and navel…all the way down to the tips of her toes. Leo did not ignore a single piece of her flesh and CJ basked in the attention. His hands found her breasts again, cupping, stroking, and squeezing. He pinched a hard nipple between his thumb and forefinger. His tongue flicked across it a few times before he slipped the nub into his mouth.

“Oh God, oh Leo.”

He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how amazingly beautiful. He wanted to tell her how making love to her tonight, any night, was about much more than the sexual act. He wanted to tell her that despite everything they were going through, he loved her with every fiber of his being. He never said a word. Leo spoke with his mouth, let his fingers, lips, and tongue brush across her tactile skin as if it were a canvas. He would make a masterpiece tonight, using their bodies to make a work of art.

As they kissed, CJ slid Leo’s boxer shorts down his legs. She felt his erection on her skin; he was hard but not all the way there. She reached down to caress him with her hands.

“Ooh baby.” Leo’s hips shifted and he groaned.

“I love to touch you.” She whispered. “I love to feel your skin on my hands.”

“Claudia Jean…oh my sweet Claudia Jean.”

She listened to the moans of his desire as he grew harder against her fingers. She slid her thumb across the tip; Leo was there now.

“You want me.”

He didn’t know if it was a question but he nodded anyway. The selfish part of him wanted her to blow him and touch herself while he watched. That was actually the fantasy that currently ran through his mind on a constant loop. The even more selfish part of him wanted to be inside of her. He wanted to hear her moan for him, feel her shudder as he filled her, watch the tears slide from her eyes as the desire completely devoured her.

“I love you.” Leo said.

They rolled again, this time Leo onto his back and CJ on top of him. She teased herself for a bit with his erection, sliding her wet, soft skin over the roughest part of him.

“Oh baby, oh God baby, I'm gonna cum.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“I don’t know if I can hold it. I want you so much.”

That’s what she wanted to hear. CJ slowly slid onto him; did her best to give Leo the opportunity to breathe, stop, and then adjust. The Chief of Staff groaned, then took a deep breath and let it out. Then she started to move. He loved the way CJ rode him, loved the way her tiny little breasts bounced up and down. He loved how she could go fast and then slow, run the show and completely surrender to his thrusting. Leo breathed hard, holding her waist as the need to explode took over all else.

“Leo! Oh Leo! Oh Leo! Oh God!”

“Yes baby, I love you! I want you! You feel so good.”

CJ’s breathing shallowed. She stroked her clit and that caused her to shriek. He was so close and she wanted to make sure she felt it too.

“Uhh…Claudia Jean, oh God!”

He let go, had no choice, and CJ was right there. She cried out as her body came to rest on his. They shared one rapid heartbeat; Leo wrapped his arms around her back and held her to him. The tears came next. It was not as if CJ didn’t cry during or even after their lovemaking. Leo remembered the first time he witnessed it that it upset him. She explained that it was the surge of all those good feelings…they were tears of happiness. This time he was not quite sure of the source of her tears but he held her, whispering his love for her as they came and went.

CJ moved onto the mattress, cuddling in her husband’s arms. They both wanted to say so much but didn’t. It was hard to put the words together; have them make as much sense out in the open as they did in their minds.

“I love you Leo.”

“I know. One day I will deserve it.”

“You are too hard on yourself.”

“Some days I am too hard on you.” He replied.

She sighed, putting her hand over his heart. It was still beating rather fast as his breathing steadied.

“Some days we both have to remember that the job is the job and Leo and CJ are Leo and CJ.”

“Do you ever regret marrying me?”

“No. Don’t you ever ask me that again. I have two beautiful children because I married you.”

“I just think…”

“Stop. Go to sleep and make sense in the morning.”

In the morning he would be White House Chief of Staff again, and she would be mad at him. He sighed, kissing her forehead. At least tonight she was in his arms.

“Goodnight Claudia Jean.”

“Goodnight Leopold.”

***


End file.
